When can you phone in sick

What if there was a mathematical way to compute without any doubt when it would be ok to pick up the phone and call in sick?

Well, now there just may be: We wake up each morning and do full systems check to see if we are able to get up and go to work. What criteria do you need to consider if you want to call in sick, without raising suspicion of being replaced by 10 am or being accused of playing hooky?

Here is a handy formula to use to determine if it is ok to call in sick. My answer to this is that if you are well enough to work this one out then get up and go to work.

• D = Do you have a doctors note (No = 1, Yes = 10, Sort of = 5)
• S = How sick are you? (1 – 10, 10 being last stage of Swine Flu)
• M = How many other days have you already missed this month
• R = Degree of responsibility of your job (1 – 10, 10 being lead surgeon at children’s hospital)
• Fh = How much fun can you have at home (1 – 10, 10 being I have Netflix already on)
• Fj = How much fun will you have at work (1 – 10, 10 being I work for Nintendo as a game tester)
• $ = Your daily wage
• N = How much you need the money (1 – 10, 10 being the bank manager is on hold on the other line)
• C = the chance of being fired for staying at home (1 – 10, 10 being almost certain)

Substitute the values and solve the formula. If Call in Sick is greater than 1 phone the office and settle in for a day of Netflix.

I do not assume any responsibility for any person in any position in any company in any country being absent from any job at any time. Thanks. (My lawyer made me add the last sentence)